Who Am I?

In my teenage years and even before, I went through the phases of wanting to be a vet, a psychologist, a writer and I am sure that there were other thoughts along the way. But the one thing that stayed consistent was that I wanted to be a mother. I always knew that I would have two boys and a girl and from age 16 on, I even had their names picked out. I would be married to one man and give the kids the exact same kind of life that I had been given.

You see, I was very fortunate and even more so because I knew it even as a child. I had two parents who were both very involved with my sister and I. We had everything that we needed and most of what we wanted. I was an avid reader, writer and by the time I was in high school I was involved in sports, drama and choir.

My parents were quiet people, very loving and stable. I never had a sporting event, concert or play that they did not cheer me on for. My friends loved my parents and were always welcome. I had one grandmother who baked and one who sewed. We lived in a large house where we had space to play and cousins that spent every summer with us. All of this being said, my parents were strict and had high expectations. I was to get good grades, was only allowed out one weekend night a week and my curfew was midnight until I was 20 years old and married. By the time I was a senior in high school my father was my tennis coach at school, my boss at work and my dad at home and I loved every minute of it. Even with our relatively constant companionship, he would tell me that he was not my friend, he was my father. When I turned 21, he would be my friend. All of this formed what I am grateful was a very firm foundation for what would become the rest of my life. I never doubted I was loved and my father's words were proven true.

I desperately wanted to raise my children with the same unwavering stability and instead they got the opposite. Multiple affairs and other issues created their father and I to separate when they were 3,4 and 7. He left them first by not following his visitation schedule and then by suicide. They spend every September wondering why they were not enough to hang around for and I spend every day wishing I could love them enough for both of us and make their pain and uncertainty go away.

When they were 8, 10 and 12, and I had a 3 year old as well, I married the man who is now my husband. He brought fun into my super structured world. He brought color into my pastel existence. He brought the roller coaster into my kiddie train ride. What was I thinking? I was the goody goody who wanted a station wagon for a birthday present and member of the PTA, not the person who let the kids have whatever they wanted at the fair. I had my kids convinced that raisins were candy and he introduced them to the Hostess store. He was the center of attention wherever he went, the one who would strive to make an entire group of strangers crack up just because. When we met, he was at the top of the big hill of the roller coaster and it was nothing other than fun. Our differences seemed to compliment each other in all of the right ways. My kids finally had a man who loved them fiercely as if they were his own. As a matter of fact, I felt he was too hard on his own but made the excuse that it was because they were such strong personalities they needed it. I figured I could soften both the kids and my husband as time went on.

What I had not counted on was my husband's ex wife, in her hatred for my husband, being willing to sacrifice her children's well being and mental health. She lived a life of active hate and did not hesitate to try and pull her kids down that path. But I stood by his side as my husband fought the fight, reminding him that they were smart kids with good hearts and would see the truth in the end. I would go to the ends of the earth for my kids and sacrifice anything I had to for them, including my pride or personal feelings. I could not understand any mother not doing the same. I saw the damage being done to five of our six kids and ached for what I could not prevent or stop. My two bonus kids were being ripped down the middle and three of my kid's hearts were breaking for the interactions they did and did not have with their biological father.

Meanwhile in our house the strong personalities were getting stronger and the introverts were shutting down. I rode the wave of the good and out of character fought hard when the roller coaster came crashing down. Looking back, my life at that time was harder than I think I felt in the moment. I spent my life fighting hard. I fought for my kids to see their dad (all of them), I fought for my marriage, I fought for financial and emotional stability that undiagnosed or newly diagnosed bi polar did not allow for. I fought the people that told me to leave the situation and my marriage for what it was doing to me and my kids. Sadly I considered it, but in the end, even before I understood the diagnosis I knew that my husband's heart was good and he loved us with all of it.

During the first 5 years of our marriage I worked hard to learn how to separate the illness from the man. Later I would have to learn how to separate illness from personality but in the beginning, I was young enough and new enough to do the work. During my reading, I see so many women accepting bi polar as excuses for what is no more than bad behavior and I pulled the "I would never put up with that...". Well if I learned anything about myself during this roller coaster it is that until I was secure in myself, the boundary lines that I would draw were mobile and I absolutely put up with things I never thought I would. I made excuses and claimed "illness" as a reason to try one more time. Speaking with the care pastor at our church, he gave me my glue to stay and my out in one sentence. There are only three acceptable reasons for divorce in the eyes of God. Adulatory, Abuse and Abandonment. That is it!

Who am I? I am someone who tries to see the positive whenever and wherever I can. I am a human who can get very tired. My family is everything to me. Most of all, I am a child of God and what has helped me most on my roller coaster ride is the vow in sickness and in health. Be still and know that I am God has been what has kept me going when everything in me wanted to give up. My faith is strong and I am so glad I stayed.