Compliance Helps but Does Not Cure

The hardest part about this illness is that even those who try so hard and stay compliant still end up in damaging cycles. I knew it was coming and yet still get taken by surprise when it progresses to the point where he leaves. I have changed the dance and will not try to sway his thoughts to reality, because it is exhausting and a wasted effort. So, the battles are fewer, but the hurtful words will still come out of his mouth, and they still hurt. My prayer of "please God do not let it hurt so bad this time" still covers me to the best of its ability and as always, I am stronger in the beginning of the battle.

The toughest part is 99% of people that he could seek out know how good he has it and would encourage and protect him, and his thoughts, through the episode. But he will seek out the ones who will justify his ill thoughts about a situation that does not exist, an idea that is selfish or an emotion that he just cannot handle. He only needs the acquaintances from his group (who do not know he is bipolar) and his one sister (who would support a separation in a heartbeat) to validate his made-up stories to stay stuck and spiraling in this cycle. Our son (his biological) just stated to me this week that I deserve a better existence. One that I can relax in and no longer be pressured on a day-to-day basis about needing to sell, to go, to travel, to keep up with a mind that is constantly running from its own discontent. It is he that his dad calls and vents to when he is spiraling but he knows to call home for the reality. He knows how good his dad has it and has expressed multiple times this past year that he does not know how we do it. I believe he is letting his dad know that he could leave if he feels life is truly that bad for him and tells me the same. He will not allow his dad to stay with him during the week due to his wife to be working from home and the interruptions that come with having his dad as a house guest. After a three week stay, his sons were walking on eggshells, and he told me he cannot do that again. It was a sweetly serious statement basically letting me know that he cannot be a part of a break for me for that length of time.

Right now, he is driving south and while he did call, his voice is even tighter. He is very obviously heading towards full mania. A very real conversation was had this week between my son and I, where I let him know that as peaceful as I know life has the possibility of being, I worry that the effect of his dad really leaving could be very dangerous to his health. Like I have said many times, this is an illness that cycles and progresses. I live (hide?) behind the vow of in sickness and in health. I know my husband would feel a euphoria if he fully left and decided to follow his dreams of living in the south....for a minute. But after the euphoria, the anger would come and damage would be done, first in the separation and then in the bully attempt to threaten what he knows is important to me. Then he would spiral into the anxious and this is when the potential of the hospital would come into play and the sadness on both our parts for an existence that he truly cannot help. His sister is living in the south where he truly wants to be, so her support and input will make this a much longer process to go through.

He tries so hard and most often seems so vulnerable. He takes his medicine, makes and goes to his doctors appointments, tries to seek counseling, never understanding why a counselor will stop seeing him. On his anxious days he has a childlike appearance and has gotten to the point where he knows that no matter what I am doing, he can just come sit in the room with me until he feels better. On his good days, he hs more energy and lets everyone know that I am a saint (his word not mine) for choosing to be a part of this difficult life. He speaks of the qualities of mine that he appreciates and adores and thanks me for taking such good care of him and everyone around me. The same qualities that made him fall in love with me are what he will often target as problematic as he cycles and his needs for my attention get stronger. Selfishly, the depression part of the cycle has always been the easiest to deal with as he doesn't target anyone too often during this time. He just wants to sleep or be close to me and accepts the proximity over the interaction, as enough. In all areas I know I need to protect him, but when the anger and mania come into play, I have to remember to protect me and our family as well.

We can be lured into a sense of ease as time lapses between the episodes. Our loved ones are taking their medicine, making and keeping their appointments and overall, just trying their best to enjoy a life that they have limited control over their thoughts and therefore their relationships. Sad as it is, we cannot count on this as a permanent state of life. We cannot relax and think of them as someone who is able to handle large amounts of responsibility such as our finances or to keep promises made in times of health, without consistent monitoring. We try so hard to treat them as the loving person that they are and show respect of their ability in times of health. But when something comes out that escaped our radar, the damage can be high. I am living this consequence at the moment and when I can figure out the solution, I will document the positive that I am sure will come from it at some point. Or at least the awareness.