When The World Is Going Crazy

What do we do when the world is going crazy. It doesn't matter which side we are on, what we believe, or where we stand in our thoughts, they are all behaving badly. On an up close and personal level we are semi used to that. Life spinning out of control. Knowing we have no choice but to be affected and not quite sure how to make the most of it or at least lessen the damage. Between Covid and the extreme life changes that has created, politics and the hostility that has created and the job industry being what it is because of both of those and so much more, how do we keep our families safe, relatively hopeful? But just as important, how do we help our bi polar spouse feel stable in an extremely unstable time of life? How do we help ourselves keep our heads above water when so much feels uncertain?

I remember the beginning of the Covid scare. Once I accepted that I would have to close my business, our sole income for the last three years, I felt a minute of peace. The business had been struggling for quite awhile. Still productive but at a much higher stress level, one that was beginning to affect my day to day health. It would be nice to take a break for two weeks. Little did I know that two weeks would turn into 5 months. By the grace of God the 3 year fight for disability would end in our favor one month into our closing. We received back pay all the way to the first date he filed and we had an income that we could finally count on. I saw the relief fleet through my husbands eyes before turning bright with victory. He felt so good to contribute and take care of his family again.

What I didn't anticipate was how much my husband would enjoy me not being stuck at my desk all day. We found project after project to do around the house and he both participated and took initiative. We chose him to be the member of our family to do the grocery shopping. There were multiple reasons for this, the number one being purpose. A reason to focus on taking care of his family. To show the healthiness in the moments that he can.. I have found that when he feels useful his mood is most stable. So for the first time in over a year, we worked outside together, went for walks with and without the grand kids and got back to the basics. It was so nice all the way until as we all know it will, it stopped. As before, when written out it sounds like it could be anyone's story but as spouses of people with bi polar we know that our changes are rarely subtle.

The effects of a good mood can be as anxiety ridden as the effects of a cycle. The good feelings create a social need and introverted as I have always been, I do enjoy an evening of laughing around a fire pit with a bottle of wine. Extroverted as he has always been, his social need isn't complete without being the center of attention. Retelling stories to new audiences with his animation level matching where we are in the cycle. The further into hypo mania and mania, the louder and more elaborated the stories will be. This seems to be when he most feels in his element and alive and for awhile, we can enjoy the ride.

But back to the crazy of today's world. My experience is he is angry and scared. His patience is short and he wants to control, or at least have a say over everything in the house because everything on the outside is so uncertain and uncontrolled. I have learned to stand firm in my boundaries especially during this time. It gives me both a focus and ability to keep the house running around the bad mood as opposed to through it. It gives him something to count on. I am not going anywhere. I am here and I will take care of him and keep his world as steady as I can. Long ago I learned not to try to reason him out of feeling the way he does, so the trick for me is to remember that it is his feelings and not mine. I don't do either of us an good if I get pulled down into the depths and lose hope. Sometimes I feel uncharacteristically mean when I have to be firm with my statements. I am not disrespectful, just stronger in my need to protect my own health, mental and physical. How can I protect him in this crazy world if I don't at least sound confident and competent? God made me to be his helper, I have no choice but to be strong.