What If It Works?

Well, after yet another cycle that could have destroyed us as a couple we have decided to try something new. On paper it looks like an infallible plan but in real life, it is riddled with the what ifs. In reality though, we finally came to the conclusion together that we have to do something.

During the cycles, we tend to lose our individuality. Him to an illness and me to fighting the illness in him. We walk around with the pieces of ourselves that we want to hide, exposed. He loses who he is in a wrath of negativity and strong emotion. I lose myself in first trying to avoid, then making excuses and trying to protect until finally it ends up in a verbal confrontation that is uncharacteristic of what our relationship usually consists of. Even with bi polar, our time together has allowed us to emerge from the quips that create the knock down, drag out arguments about superficial situations and only really go at it when it has become too much. This is not to say that we don't often feel at odds, we just handle it differently than we used to when we were younger and more passionate.

So the plan is that he will be living in the south, where it is the warm temperatures that he desires, for 4 to 6 months per year. We are looking to buy a condo that is to serve as a snow bird location and a safe house for when life gets too much. It is also to be a vacation spot where some of the costs can be off set by renting it out for a few of the prime weeks to family and friends. Once the plan was decided, I have to admit, I had my husband back for the first time in years. While it made it harder to let him go, I got to experience the idea of missing him versus relief. And then the what ifs began...

What if he has a bad cycle and I am seven hours away and can't get to him fast enough? What if we cannot do this financially? What if one of us gets Covid and the other can't visit due to quarantine? What if there is an emergency? What if one of decides that living apart is better for them? What if I fail at doing my part during our time apart? This is undoubtedly the devil attacking as both of our desires is to draw back closer to God. It is the way the beast operates to conquer and divide. We have worked so hard over the last 18 years to blend, navigate first a new marriage and then an illness and succeed as a couple and family, we have been a target many times. But as always, when the devil's whispers get louder, God comes in with the gentle, simple counter but what if it works? And I know that with Him on our side, we will be just fine.