Uncharacteristically Me

As a woman of Christ, though I try, I know I have many shortcomings. If directly asked I will say I am a believer, a follower and obedient of Christ. Those that know me well know my belief is strong and my trust has issues. Contradicting as this statement is, I would like to believe that my trust in God is unending in any situation and the real issue that I have is with free will. I struggle with understanding the Holy Trinity but easily accept that this is where faith comes in. I pray by writing my prayers so that I do not get distracted but then feel guilt when many days occur between the dates. Not to say that I do not pray everyday at least in the form of a conversation with God, but I feel guilty when I know I am doing so out of obligation rather than from the heart. Or the many times I rush through a prayer. My pastor makes me feel better by acknowledging that a prayer does not have to be long or eloquent, but can be a simple statement of "This too, Lord" or "Thank you God."

I used to make a joke that I was born Catholic which is synonymous with guilt. The truth of it is that I was born Catholic and have always been a believer, but during my childhood time in church I always felt nothing. While sitting in the hard pews I would feel so small and look up as if to say "well, here I am Lord"? And yet I would feel nothing. I believed that I was not good enough to have a real relationship with the Lord, it had to go through the priest. Not very far into my religious training my father decided that he did not like the direction the Catholic church was going and we became the people that only went for the special occasions. As a child this did not bother me at all.

Upon my engagement I decided that I wanted to return to church both for my wedding and my soul. To say I felt judgement when I called our zoned parish would be an understatement. Being who I am, I had chosen honesty in my initial phone call, foolishly expecting a welcome back greeting. Instead I was berated in tone and words as to why I had not practiced through the last number of years. Ummm...I was a child was what I screamed in my head. My words were apologetic and I never set foot in that parish or any other catholic church again. It wasn't until I had children that I felt the calling to try again. My experience in each church was different and I continued to search until I did find one that accepted us and felt inviting.

Through it all though, I never stopped talking to God. I often felt my prayers were childlike even into adulthood. I did not know that this was absolutely okay and felt inadequate in my prayer life. I continued to look up even outside of church walls, hoping that God would look down and notice me. That He would just know that I loved Him and needed Him.

It was during what I would consider one of the super bad, but not the worst, episodes of bi polar that we went through, that this came clear. I don't remember specifically what caused his explosion but from the vehicle, on his way home, he told me I had better not be there when he got there. Taking him seriously, I packed my four children and went to a neighbors house as fast as I could. It was there, while sitting on my neighbor's couch that I had my first real encounter with God. Ironically my neighbor was an atheist, but God found me while I sat in shock, on her couch with a cup of hot tea in my hands.

I will never forget how my head was reeling. I had no idea what to do. My stepson was living with us at the time but I knew that I had no right to take him with me and at that stage of his life, he would not have wanted to come. I had dogs and a cat and a business that I ran out of my home. What was I going to do? I had not shed a tear even in explaining to my neighbor what had just happened, I was too in shock and truthfully, scared.

When my phone rang I had not even said hello before I felt my throat tighten and voice crack. My sister was on the other line and said " I am in Lowe's and I don't know why but something told me I needed to call you. Are you alright?" The tears came as I explained to her that I had just left my home and why. Without hesitation she made room for me and my children and our smaller animals in her house. She helped me to decide to take the rest of the week off and then how would be the best way to proceed with work and the other animals. She took charge when I was at my weakest and although I am the older sister, I was so grateful for the guidance. This was the first time that I remember seeing the direct hand of God in my life.

The next came when driving back to my house during that same timeframe I said out loud, to myself, I need Lawren. A friend of mine who was just always a good listener. Within a moment my phone rang again and I knew before I answered that it would be her. My husband and I stayed separated for a couple of months during this timeframe. During which his episode cleared and he and I began to send bible versus' to each other each evening while we worked through what was our first separation. I felt the Lord through this time more than I ever had and trusted His timing rather than relying on my own.

I believe it was during this time that I learned not just to talk to God, but to listen as well. I learned the spots that I could get quiet enough to hear Him and relied on my time with Him as cleansing and clearing. My husband and I reunited at one of these spots, both of us much stronger Christians.

There have been many times since this that I know my calm and peace came directly from God. My prayers were much more frequent, sometimes casual and sometimes fervent. One of the fervent times came directly out of hurt and exhaustion. My stepson and I came from very different places. He was a country boy who was very close to his biological mom. I was in her words "flavor of the month". Twenty plus years later, her opinion has not changed. She raised her children to believe that they could not love their father and I, and her at the same time. They were either with her or against her. The manipulation and brainwashing that they went through was not just ruthless, it was heartless. This being said, once they got up with us for the visits, it was truly a transformation. All of a sudden they were just kids trying to live by a different set of rules than the ones they were used to. I will say this, they both have very strong survival skills but it was a long time before they realized that they did not have to survive life up here, just live it. Most of the time we did relatively well but when we didn't it was because we both perceived a threat in the other for one reason or another. When he was about 18, we had just moved in with my parents to help with their ailing health. I showed him where we had stored all of his belongings that he had at the other house and told him to go through them because he had not been up prior to the move to do so. I let him know to keep whatever he wanted and we could pitch whatever he didn't. It was a very casual conversation all the way to its end until I was approached by my husband who let me know how much I had hurt our son. I should mention that back then, our son was a huge trigger for my husband's bi polar. He could trigger my husband against the rest of the kids in a heartbeat and did so frequently. This time he was upset with, but not triggered by me. He listened as I explained what had actually been stated. I do not remember what led to the fight that almost happened between he and my step son in the front yard that trip. It could have been that my husband did not turn on me or it could have been a number of other things. All I know is that I was hurt and furious. I went upstairs to our bathroom and prayed that God would remove all of my negative feelings that I had for my step son. That I would no longer dread him coming up to visit nor our interactions. It was a fervent prayer, full of heart and emotion and within a moment of finishing, I literally felt all of the tension that I held for my step son just melt away. This was over 13 years ago and I have genuinely never felt it since. To this day my step son and I share a relationship of respect and love. It never occurred to me until typing this out just now, God worked the miracle that I did not even know to pray for. My step son seems to respect and love me as well. That is divine intervention.

I rarely share my interactions with God. I have always felt that my relationship with Him is private. I pray that people will know Him through me and because of that, I am an open believer. It is uncharacteristic for me to witness to anyone as I do not feel I am good at it. My faith is strong and unexplainable. I don't showboat my faith and yet my son once said that he did not know anyone more spiritual than me. This is the greatest compliment he could have given me. My goal in life is to one day hear "Well done, good and faithful servant." I pray that I help others along the way, hear that as well.

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