Thy Will Be Done

"What do you dream about?" is a question that every romantic would love to hear, especially from their spouse. Not the kind you do at night, the kind that gives you excitement for the future. The roller coaster ride has created me to find dreaming to be a luxury that I can't afford. There is too much heartbreak in looking to the future, too much effort trying to put one foot in front of the other in certain times of the present, and too much devastation from events of the past.

As I have stated in past blogs, I come from a very stable childhood home where dreams and goals were formed at every turn. I was always reaching for something. Mastering a new song on the piano, getting a better grade, writing a new beginning to a book (because I have never seemed to write the ending), looking into taking a class for fun, rethinking what I want to be when I grow up, how to have the healthiest grocery cart in the store (because it is good to know where your will power lies), what college do I want to go to, what kind of life do I want to have for my own family and what will I need to do to create it and so many others thoughts that would change or be added to with each new dream. One of my frequent sayings is that life gets in the way. Not to say that many of my childhood dreams didn't come true. The ones that I put the work into would come to life sometimes with my realization and sometimes without. Looking back, I took so much for granted, never realizing that it would one day all be replaced by just trying to survive. Dramatic sounding? Yes, I know, but we are in a tough season right now. It is hard to see rainbows and unicorns when you don't know how hurtful the next words you will hear from your loved one will be. When you don't know if this will be yet another request for a divorce or a diatribe on your children or the defense of a delusion that feels so real to him that he cannot hear that you WITNESSED the incident.

Be still and know that He is God helps me calm my nerves. Knowing today is Valentines Day and still wanting my kids and grandchildren to have a happy day helps me at least try to smile. But to dream of the future? A sad, but becoming more frequent question that I am asking in my therapy sessions has become is this how I am going to finish out my life? Wondering every day how to help my husband be content so that my contentment is no longer at risk. Maybe I just answered my own question to a point. I should be wanting to help him with this for him and yet I do have the ulterior reason of wanting peace for myself as well. The loving way to look at this is to realize that I cannot be content if he is not content. Of course I want this for him. But I am at a loss as to how to keep up with his running that he doesn't even know that he is doing. His solution to his discontent to to isolate he and I away from all that distracts me from him. My work. Our family. My hobbies. His constant desire to relocate our lives would not be settled with success in our next move, although he feels 100% certain that it would. His happiness or even contentment is not solidified by any relocation or desire being met, it only is replaced by a new focus, which will rapidly become a hyper focus.

ADHD is not something that I have personal experience with, however, in moments like these my sympathy for those that live in this state, is high. I sit typing and thinking I am focused but every vehicle that passes the window has my stomach drop and every moment that it is not him as me questioning my next move. Do I reach out and ask when he is coming home, do I relish in the less tense atmosphere that is here when he is not, do I avoid the fight that I know is coming or just go ahead and have it to get it over with and see if normal follows? This is truly when the roller coaster is the most difficult. I become stuck, just trying to hang on. Productivity at work is put on hold, my children show such obvious concern for me and my state of mind, my whole life circles around trying not to set him off or leave him alone around any loved one.

I don't want to lose my ability to be content like I lost my ability to dream. Sometimes I remember to turn to God in prayer and sometimes I don't have the strength for even that. It is then that my faith hopes that He knows I need Him in those moments even if I was unable to ask. We are supposed to pray for thy will be done. This is so easy to do when you can trust your environment and much harder when you do not. When you are walking on eggshells, thy will be done often looks like going through something unpleasant and trusting that you will come out on the other side seeing the purpose of the event and knowing that God walked with you through it. Remembering to trust in the Lord despite the environment feels so much more obedient than faithful in these times and yet, this is what I try to do every time.