Support Groups

One of the things I have discovered about myself is that I am resilient. This being said, anyone who has chosen to remain in a relationship where Bi Polar Disorder is a third party would have to be. The big "but" to this is that we get tired. I have been in therapy for years, no longer to retrain my perception but often just to guide it back to a healthy perspective. Sometimes to remind me of coping mechanisms and always to remind me that God is in charge.

My counselor is not my first counselor. My husband and I began therapy (couples and family) even before his diagnosis. I desperately wanted my marriage to work and so did he, but we discovered early that we had very different parenting styles and financial goals. On the surface we appeared to be a balance for each other, complimenting the others style with almost opposite behaviors. I am an introvert with a melancholy personality. I enjoy having fun with small groups of people but my recharge comes from quiet time alone. He is by nature an extrovert Healthy or sick, he thrives on being the center of attention. It serves him well in a setting of strangers. He is funny and can tell story after story, no matter what the topic and has no issue pushing the limits. Again, we would seem the perfect match as I have no problem in the shadows and actually prefer it there. Another way our personalities compliment each other is that I am what he lovingly refers to as an ostrich. I not only avoid confrontation but will pretend it doesn't even exist until I can't any longer. He has no problem creating a controversial environment if it fits his mood.

Where these traits begin to clash was in our core beliefs for raising children. I had four kids that were typical kids. They were well behaved but not perfect. My girls who were nine years apart were not overly outgoing but could definitely get silly in the right situations. My two young boys were energetic and happy go lucky and we spent many hours outside at parks or indoor playlands to give them outlets to channel their energy. My husband brought two wonderfully extroverted children to our mix and they brought a level of energy that my kids found challenging to match but they gave it their all. New in their lives, I felt that it was not my place to enforce discipline until we had a bond and a level of permanence first. My husband treated everyone the same from the start. He was brought up with the idea that if he embarrassed his mother, she would embarrass him. I was brought up with praise in public, punish in private. He and I to this day are unable to get on the same page when it comes to interacting with children.

Finances were another area that our personalities drove our ways. I was super careful. Made enough, saved a little, spent even less. Me and my kids had everything we needed and enough of what we wanted. My husband had a great career and from our first dates to today, he would tell me of his quick trips to Mexico or to New York for dinner, moving across country for work, taking adventure after adventure, buying a farm and populating it with horses and chickens and the list goes on. He lived pay check to pay check and spent his entire retirement and thousands of dollars more fighting for custody of his kids. Everything in life is fire and ice. Again, what would seem to be a great balance served to be exciting in the beginning and divisive with time.

So off to counseling we went. We had some good and some bad and we tried not to take offense to how many seemed to leave the field after a few months with us. Through our time among others we were treated by a narcoleptic, the father of Kanye West, an awesome gentleman and eventually moved into family counseling with a Christian Counselor who helped us realize that we needed to put God at the center of our relationship if we wanted to have a prayer...no pun intended. At some point he was sent to a psychiatrist. The questions of "did he think he could leap tall buildings in a single bound" came and ticked my husband off but eventually the diagnosis was made and we were foolish enough to feel relief. Bi Polar had medication, right?

So 18 years later we each have a counselor to help us through the effects. And this is great. I am a much better, healthier person because of my counselor but some days you just need to vent. To remember that you are not in this alone. To hear someone else who has the same conversations that make no sense, the same insecurities, the same thoughts of am I doing the right thing for him, for my kids, for me? Some days you realize that you are able to help someone who is in the same situation, to give them hope because there has to be a reason that we are going through all of this. We join support groups for all these reasons and so many more. It doesn't take too long to realize that talking to our family and friends can be detrimental. A support group is safe. It is understood that we can love the man and hate the disease at exactly the same time. We may not check in every day but just knowing that they are there helps us get through the tougher days. We need these other faceless women because they make our journey more bearable.