Sensory Overload

Sensory overload was a term I had heard applied to children with autism or aspergers and never really thought much about. It wasn't until my son, who at 29 struggled with severe anxiety, used the term that I realized it could apply to any of us. He is extremely intelligent, intense and sensitive and has a very strong sense of right and wrong even when emotions get in the way. In his younger years he would lose his temper and stomp off to his room, often after a cutting statement. Now, with a ton of hard work, he manages to feel the breakdown coming on and retreats to his room or space where he can decompress before it becomes too much. He is not bi polar, nor does he have any diagnosis other than generalized anxiety and depression but recognizing sensory overload coming on has given him an ability to manage his emotions before they manage him.

Twenty years into this diagnosis, I realize that the term has always been applicable to my husband in all phases of his bi polar. In mania, the overload is due to what is going on in his head. In his anxiety and depression the sources are external. Either way it is a full overload that can cause the outburst, the meltdown and the withdrawal.

How difficult it must be to go through life not ever learning this skill or even realizing that there is a name that is self explanatory. I always got so upset at his need for our six children to need to tiptoe, or be quiet, or be anything except young children. I wish we had learned years earlier what sensory overload was. Maybe I would have been more understanding and not pushed for him to be accepting of the kids antics. Maybe he would have been able to tolerate more from them had he recognized the signs coming on and been able to take small breaks to reel his emotions back in.

In hindsight, my husband's strong extrovertedness could have been as much of the problem as the stimulation from the life we lived. He always had a strong desire, if not need, to be the center of attention in any situation. He enjoyed getting strangers involved in our conversation or laughing. Sometimes it was easy to laugh with him and sometimes it felt at our expense. Either way based on what stage or part of the cycle he was in, a fun encounter could change to too much for him in a heartbeat and at different times of life we would handle it in different ways.

Digging more into what sensory overload really is, the five senses go into overdrive and create a feeling of crisis. This can be mutiple senses at a time or just one. For many, a simple refocus can calm the feeling of being overwhelmed. For others, it triggers a series of responses beginning with the flight, fight or freeze reaction. What seems a reasonable volume to one person may be deafening to someone experiencing sensory overload. Again, I wish I had understood this when our children were little. I think back to all the times I felt my husband was just being too hard or too sensitive to different things that did not bother me and now I realize that there may have been more too his reaction than just being intolerant. He would get so angry at the child who was "kicking his seat" when in reality their foot was pushing into the seat in and attempt to adjust. Or one of our sons would fly down the steps at break neck speed only touching every other step. My concern would be the damage they would do to themselves if they fell, his would be that their descent was too loud based on their speed.

I always felt that to him, I needed to make the world around him perfect. I needed to raise children to be seen and not heard for him to be happy. That they would walk quietly in the house and sit quetly in church. They would always go to bed on time and never have an opinion or argument. Now I realize that that was not the world he wanted them to live in, it was the world that sometimes he needed to live in. It is a very different take when distance and time allow behaviors to become clear. My responsibilities change with this knowledge. I can tackle the situation from the stand point of finding a solution to give my husband the peace that he may temporarily need in the moment versus changing the whole atmosphere for the kids. Hind sight is 20/20.

Fast forward to 2022. My husband has come so far from these points. Like my son, he recognizes when the irritations are becoming too much and most of the time, is able to remove himself before any damage is done. Just last night he was having a rough night and snapped at our grandaughter. I don't shy away from the confrontation any more, nor do I cry wishing he would see the hurt and that would be enough to stop any similiar encounters in the future. It does not blow up because that genuinely adds fuel to a fire. Instead, I stay calm and matter of fact, state my boundary that has been jeopardized and give him the space and freedom to decompress without judgment. Usually that looks like pouting and last night was no exception. When dinner was over and he still looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, rather than trying to talk him out of the feelings he was having I looked at him and said that was it, we were going for ice cream. His gratefulness was in his eyes as we hopped in the car with no radio on. In the past I may have grabbed the grandchild that had been upset in the earlier situation but she had been soothed and was fine. I now am trying to remember that my husband sometimes is the one who needs the soothing and understanding for what he is feeling. Sensory overload is no joke and can make a simple situation into crisis, but it is no match for ice cream.