Overcoming

Life predestines us to have a lot to overcome. Our weaknesses, our fears, our faults play heavily into what we can mildly control. The first step is to recognize and be honest about ourselves. The second is to make an attempt to control either the issue at hand or the situation around the issue. In most cases, our control does not come in our ability to deny or avoid the issues, but in our ability to control our reaction and response to them. Once you master the reaction you have assumed control of the situation. At least you hope...

The tough part is utilizing this when what needs to be overcome stems from someone we love. Negative words, actions and habits that come from someone that we share life with on a daily basis can be overwhelming and at times, exhausting. Watching someone who has so much space in our life not notice what emotions they are invoking in those around them can create a desperate feeling. In my opinion, this is what makes living with someone with Bi Polar so challenging.

I remember in the beginning I would think that if he just knew what he was doing, how he was making us feel he wouldn't continue because he loved us. I thought that if I could just find the right words, I had the power to make him understand. I thought if the doctors could just get the meds right he would understand. I thought if the counselors could find a magic saying it would get better. If I could just keep the kids quiet enough or calm enough or anything enough, he wouldn't have any reason to be upset with them. If I could just bring his negative attention to me instead of them I could handle it. If his ex wife or boss or sister would just leave him alone, he would be able to stay in a good mood. Looking back, that was a whole lot of pressure on a lot of people and it didn't even work. No matter what external factor I was able to control, I was never successful in helping him with his inner demons and he would just find something else that upset him.

Almost twenty years together we have seen each other at our best and worst. We have lost our parents, seen our grandchildren born, lost everything and rebuilt. He has figured out exactly how much I will tolerate and unless he is manic or in psychosis he does everything in his power to stay within the boundaries. I have figured out when it will take a knock down, drag out argument to get him back, or a quick weekend trip for some one on one. There are many things and actions that have been done that I can no longer recall. I thank God for that because it genuinely allows me to heal from words I never thought I would have to hear. I like to believe that I have become easier to live with. No more three hour tours (the conversations that I used to attempt to get him to see my way), no more disappointments or guilt trips on the holidays or special occasions when they do go as planned. Although truth be told, he has gotten very good at planning these when he sees the opportunity for it to be just us. Looking back, we have overcome quite a bit.