Over Under Around and Through

Many times throughout this journey it has been my spirituality that has gotten me though. While I have always been a believer and always wanted to be part of a church, my religion has let me down on multiple occasions. I was born Catholic and went through the motions of Sunday services, being Christened as an infant, attending CCD as a child, First Holy Communion and knowing inside that I came from something much bigger than I understood but never quite feeling it. I would sit in the pews and look up as if to say "here I am God" but I never felt seen. Eventually, my father became dissatisfied with the changes the church as an entity was undergoing and our attendance dwindled to funerals, weddings and maybe a Christmas Eve service.

Later, I knew I was missing something and I began attending a Methodist church with my grandmother. I enjoyed the services, but when I reached out to the reverend on behalf of my grandmother, again, I felt unseen. More so, I still never felt the presence of God when I sat in the church. I talked to Him all the time (praying?) but I still didn't know where to look. I stayed connected with the church after my grandmother passed away and went on to have my children baptized there. But it was more of an inner obligation than a feeling of belonging.

I genuinely spoke to God everyday. I had a nightly prayer that I would pray over my children as I tucked them in every night. Dear God, Thank you so much for my children. Please keep them safe and keep us together.

After my divorce from my first husband, I began attending another Methodist church with a friend of mine. There my children and I were welcomed and made a part of a family. We rapidly became a part of the Sunday school program and I looked forward to each sermon, knowing that I would feel among friends and that the pastor knew not only my name, but my children's names as well. It felt social. It felt good to be taken in and protected and I met one of my forever friends during this time of my life.

I have learned all too clearly that there comes a point that it becomes obvious that the head of the church, whether priest, reverend or pastor, shows his secular side and if your connection to the church is through him, you will be let down. Even so, I had my fourth child baptized at this church. I do not know exactly when I left this church but I believe it was after my forever husband and I met. He did not lead me away. He had the same desire to raise the kids in the church, but that church just did not fit us any longer.

So, we went back to old roots and began attending the first Methodist church that I had gone to with my grandmother again. The new pastor was one of the nicest men I have ever had the privilege's of knowing. He was the pastor who would marry us and made our family feel like we belonged. On a rare Sunday that we would miss service, he would call to make sure we were alright. The phone call always began with "I had an empty pew..." With six children, it was pretty obvious when we were not there but it felt good to know he was watching out for us. This being said, we never connected with other members of the congregation so when the pastor retired, we attempted to connect with the new pastor but sadly, it just didn't happen and we began finding it easier to sleep in on a Sunday.

A few years passed and while I felt like something was missing, we did not seek out a new church. Our counseling had been going on for awhile with different therapists and it felt like all we could handle, but it was not working. We tried not to take it personally how many therapists we outlasted. Some we connected with and some gave us something to make fun of together. Seriously, someone with narcolepsy should maybe get his own illness under control before he tried to take on patients who needed to feel heard.

Eventually, my daughters convinced me to try the church that they had been attending regularly for a little over a year. My husband and I were hesitant as we had heard how progressive it was. Drums in church? Food in the sanctuary? It did not sound like any church we had ever heard of. I attended a tea with them for Mothers Day and when I heard the head pastor give a quick sermon, I was hooked. For the first time, I didn't just believe in God, I felt God. While I always knew I needed God, I remembered that I needed to be in the presence of other believers. It only took one sermon for my husband to feel connected as well and so we began the steps to become members.

Through all of this we still struggled as a couple. I went to the care pastor after my son started to show signs of anxiety. I opened up to him about our family and our marital relationship. We had gotten the diagnosis of bi polar long enough ago to realize that medication and therapy can only do so much and I was scared of what it was doing to my family. I told him everything. He made it clear that only the three A's were acceptable reasons for separation or divorce. Adulatory, abuse and abandonment. I wasn't asking about divorce but something in our story made it information he thought I needed. He gave us the name of a Christian counselor that he thought could help.

She was awesome but realized early on that we were a tough case. From opposite styles of parenting and financial habits to bi polar, to blending family issues she tossed her hands up in one session and said she had had it. Secular style was not working and she was taking our counseling to God. At our next session she handed us both The Message Bibles. I had owned other bibles but I always felt like I didn't understand. Like I did as a child, I felt I had no right to go directly to God, even in the book of His word. This bible was written in modern day language. It began my realization that God was listening.

Psalm 32:3-5 When I kept it all inside my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up. all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out. I said I will make a clean breast of my failures to God. Suddenly the pressure was gone, my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.

This verse brought me to my knees. I never knew it existed but it described everything I had been feeling. I was exhausted. The counselor held me as I rocked in tears and somehow, in my anguish, I knew we were going to be alright. Somewhere around this timeframe, early in our attendance at our new church, during a sermon the pastor accidentally answered the question that I had formed in my childhood Catholic days. Where do I look to see God? Over, under, around and through. I didn't have to look up to see God. He is with me everywhere. For the first time I knew that all I had believed in my whole life was not unreachable. He had brought me to it and He will see us through it.

I share all of this because sometimes in our bipolar journey it is easy to get lost. To feel exhaustion and hopelessness. I had to relearn that my joy and my foundation is not in my marriage or my career or even my children. I was in my late 30's before I ever understood that I am meant to have a personal relationship with God. When I don't feel like I can take another step, I know that I can rest and recharge in His word. God knows that when the Roller Coaster takes off, we need to know our foundation to survive.