Letters To Those Who Should Have Cared

Do you know why the Pastor asks questions of the congregation at a wedding? It is not to make the family and friends who made the invitation list feel included. It is not to fill a void of time in the sermon. It is to genuinely hold both members of the couple accountable for their role in their union before God. Not just the person who your loved one is marrying, but the loved one as well.

Families play such a role in the success or failure of a marriage. Sometimes by what they interject and sometimes by what they don't. Either way, the outcome is the same when the family's motives are selfish. Often times I don't believe they are aware of their obligation or their influence. Most of us have the quick instinct to protect who we are the most bonded with, but when we are jumping to protect, we may want to look a little further into the future than just the immediate hurt feelings. An argument with validity on either side is often blown out of proportion when one partner begins to stack sides. When you think of politics, an argument can be made for both sides of a debate. Both sides can show graphs and numbers to "prove" their theory and with just a few mental images, sway the people who are looking only at the moments ahead and for the validation. Relationship issues are very much the same. A case can be made for both sides in a rational discussion but eventually the heart comes into play.

The younger or more dramatic the couple, the more people will hear about every infraction their partner makes. Then when they make up and have forgiven and moved on, the chatterbox will wonder why their family and friends no longer care for their spouse/ partner. They will be reminded of what was said or done, when they were angry and how their spouse did them wrong. Reminders such as this only serve to sever. This is not to say that we should isolate. We should all have someone to turn to when times are difficult, but in choosing this person, there needs to be an understanding that the end goal is to uphold the vows and return the upset couple to full restoration. Not to take sides and separate.

This is especially important when your spouse has a mental disorder of any sort. When choosing who to share the hardships of loving someone with Bi Polar, you need to make sure that they love and understand your loved one and want the best for them. They need to understand that sometimes a necessary separation does not mean that the couple is headed for a nasty divorce, only that a break is needed for the ability to stabilize. They need to understand that they do not need to be a doctor, only be willing to learn about the illness and know not to put money in the hands of someone in full fledged mania, or believe every story you are told about the spouse and children who are only trying to survive. They need to understand that the end goal of every episode is to return our loved one back to the life that they love when they are able and to do so knowing that the family is all affected each and every episode, not just the one with the illness.

My experience unfortunately was with people who didn't understand Bi Polar disorder and were not willing to either learn about it on their own, nor be educated about it through experience. They were only willing to provide the short term band aids on wounds that required stitches, or they ignored the issues completely. My sisters in law will never truly know me or my children. They chose to avoid their brother, secretly calling him the black sheep of the family, until he would come to them in an episode ranting about how difficult of a life he has. All of a sudden they are all ears and full of support, validating every word he says, all the while not having ever witness a single morsel of truth in his words. He was in an episode. With lights and bells and sirens going off all throughout his head and they were willing to blame us versus remember that he is someone they tend to avoid due to their own experiences with him. They could have reached out to find out that there just may be a different story than the one they are hearing about, but that did not happen. Not once since their mother has passed, did any of them ever reach out to ask if their brother, my husband was okay. They knew he had been hospitalized more than one time. They knew that he had been super ill due to lithium toxicity. They chose their own little world over actively loving their brother. I agree that was the easier route, but not the right one.