Less Stress Entertaining

Home is my favorite place to be. Even as a teenager and young adult I was a homebody. I always enjoyed having people over and would celebrate any occasion that would give a reason to throw a backyard volleyball party, game night or impromptu dinner party. We use our grill all year long and our firepit in all weather except rain and snow. There was never a shortage of guests, friends and family that seemed to enjoy these get togethers as much as I did until all of a sudden, I realized there was.

Introverted as I am, sometimes I will go through my phone, my Facebook list and even my workforce just to gather a group of people and enjoy some company. The people in my life have disappeared. Ironically, I am not alone in this. Before we (bipolar spouses) learn to know better, we let people into the hurt that we feel, and it makes our friends uncomfortable. We turn to organizations that we belong to (our churches, our jobs our clubs) in an effort to get confirmation that we are doing the right thing by keeping our family together. We reach out to family for the unconditional love that we thought could never be shook. And slowly we realize that we have alienated about half of the people that we turned to for comfort. So, our parties dwindle.

Bipolar is a progressive illness. When you invite people into your home you run the risk of exposing them to the highs and lows of the illness that we try so hard to pretend does not inhabit the home with us. Knowing the cycles helps. Knowing the triggers helps. Knowing that we will sometimes crave interaction despite all of our "knowing" helps but what I have found helps the most is realizing that it is more than okay to cancel an event, an outing or even just a date if the signs become evident that an episode is arising. It is much easier and less damaging to explain an oncoming "not feeling well" versus explaining a behavioral episode or loose tongue or altercation. Once you get past the disappointment of the missed event, this becomes an extremely freeing realization. The other way that I have defaulted into handling entertaining is to entertain spontaneously. It often doesn't work out due to other people's schedules, but there is no longer the nervousness leading up to a day of an event if you get to gauge the mood of the day first.

The depression part of the cycle for my husband usually renders him either by my side or up to our bed. It is during this part that I am actually most able to relax and focus on helping him because he rarely is turning on anyone else. I know what to watch for and that I need to try to keep life a bit calmer but nobody is his target so I am better able to remember that the disease is the enemy, not the man I love. In health, he enjoys people so while this seems to be the stage of the cycle when entertaining seems the least beneficial for him, it is actually the opposite. It is the safest. It is the time that a small get together can give him his interaction without the likelihood of overstimulation and triggering. As long as we are at home, he has an escape, but also the ability to reappear and join where he feels comfortable.

Mania is a completely different breed. It used to be easier to spot coming on. The eyes are brighter, the voice is louder, the words are harsher in tone and content. Even his pace becomes faster and more aggressive. While this is more when he craves the personal interactions, this is the time that they are least likely to go well. He stops noticing the reactions of others. His stories are repeated and more grandiose. He is quick to offend with his words and then tries to play it off like it was a joke, they deserved it because______ or deny that they were upset at all. Lately, I am realizing that he is more prone to rapid cycling. One minute everything seems in control and then with a snap, he is gone. The tough part to rapid cycling is that there is no real warning to how quickly an episode can occur nor what (or in our case who) the trigger will be this time. The entire night can be going along at a normal pace and the next thing you know he is threatening to "smack the S*%$ out of someone in front of their child or children. Then, when he doesn't get the backup that he felt that the target deserved his outburst, we all become the enemy. Usually by the next day or two he latches on to another member of the house to attempt to get back to whatever our normal is for the time being.

Rapid cycling is the toughest time to host any style of company, even close friends. So, for the most part, I don't. I rely on my adult children for the companionship that is so necessary for our well-being. They make me laugh with their crazy way of bringing me up to speed with the world. They put up with my desire for game nights and volleyball games and music around the firepit. They provide comfort when I want to cry. Most of all, they know how to sit quietly and just be with each other. We don't always have to talk or compete, we don't have to one up each other or play the victim/ hero in every story. They know how to be part of a conversation without having to take over the conversation. I thank God for the little bit of normal that we have when we are able to just exist.