Just To See You Smile

Have you ever stopped to think about who you are on the inside? That core being which all of your responses and reactions stem from. We all have categorized general personalities but there is a reason that we enjoy what we enjoy, put up with what we put up with and seek what we seek. What drives you? What stops you? How do you get out of your own way? It doesn't matter how old you are, it is never too late for self discovery. Some believe, and tend to use as an excuse, that our personalities create a prison of responses. The reality is that knowing ourselves can lead to freedoms that we never dreamt of. It is consistent no matter what situation we stumble into and we get to choose whether to push ourselves or retreat.

I have an introverted, melancholy personality but that doesn't limit me to being shy and sullen. Quite the contrary, it enables me to properly seek my recharge. While I will never be the person in the room that draws attention to myself intentionally by volume or spontaneous action, I can speak in front of large crowds of people and I can laugh out loud with the best of them. Being introverted and melancholy, for me, means that I am not going to combust in happiness or despair or in anger. Time with and without recharging is what will dictate my ability to handle the out of the box situations that arise, especially when living with a loved one with bi polar.

Now, whether you are aware of your core or not you can only imagine how difficult it must be for our spouse, who's core is not only affected by the external factors but by internal triggers that render their reactions and responses to be extreme. Medication helps but only to a point and can need changes long before we realize. Counseling is imperative but only if the counselor is familiar enough with the illness to know that our spouse is not the gauge to be trusted when it comes to where they are in the cycle. Structure is a key that is often difficult because life gets in the way.

Think about those moments when you feel out of control. You know you shouldn't say or do something but you say or do it anyway. You know what you are feeling is disproportionate to the action but you have no clue how to reel it in. Then imagine if the only thing you were focusing on was what is overwhelming to you and you have no idea how to stop. We all have feelings similar to this at some point but thank God we do not have to live there.

There are days that I watch my husband come into the room and I just want to see him smile. He sits there with a look of misery or irritation or sadness and I inadvertently respond inwardly based on how he has treated those around us. When I become aware of this I try to respond in a more supportive way. Most of the time he just needs my attention but sadly with a full time business to run and a house and yard to care for, often I am unable to just stop. This being said, the times that I do and he has both quiet and the ability for my undivided attention he doesn't recognize the gifts. His personality is both extroverted and strong. His core seeks to be the center of attention and be loved for it. In health and mania he craves the interactions and often does not understand when his audience becomes disturbed or disappears based on the content or decibel of his speech. He does not notice that his audience has become quiet. It is at this stage that I struggle to accept that he will not see or accept his part in what is not perfect. I want to point out his example of the behavior he is griping about. Often times the behaviors that bother him most are the ones that he brought into our world to begin with. He will complain about behavior after behavior and then emulate them wondering why his complaints go unaddressed.

As he cycles downward toward depression and anxiety, his need for my attention and presence becomes greater. These are the times that I want most to put a protective barrier around him to keep him safe from his own thoughts and fears. I want to find the magic words to let him see that his world is not a terrible place, that there are things to focus on that are good and happy. I want to open his eyes so that he can see that all he perceives is lacking is actually right in front of him. Most of the time I am unsuccessful in redirecting his perception but that is when I remember a cycle is cyclical and will return for another attempt. Until then, I just want to see him smile.