I Want a Divorce

For all the stable times, and there are stable (even fun) times there are the hard times. I think the toughest part is separating the illness from the personality. We know to do so in the direction of hate the disease, not the man but what about the other way? Where we want to blame the disease but there is a lot more personality in there than we care to admit. How do we know when the time is right to look at our spouse and say okay or enough!?

When I scroll through any of the support groups that I am a part of for comfort, to offer advice and sometimes just to not feel alone, I see how many of us are threatened with this title statement. It doesn't matter how many times we hear it or if has only been once or twice, it hurts to the core. It shakes our already shaky ability to have any sense of security or hope for a future. So how do we handle it?

When we are angry or hurt, it momentarily seems like a solution. We might finally be free of the roller coaster that we never meant to get on. When the calm comes we know it isn't that easy. There are two directions that I have both experienced and seen it go for many others.

The first is the spewing of hate. Our bp spouses are nothing if not full of false pride and they will verbally make sure that we are the reason for the issues. Everything they have ever drummed up that they thought we did wrong, and some that we did, will come spewing out of their mouths as hatefully as possible not just to us, but to anyone who will listen. We will have to hear very damaging statements made about us and our loved ones. Please God don't let it hurt so much this time, We will have to listen to the threats of all that they plan to take from us even if their contributions have been minimal. Even if their instability has created their young children to be afraid of them and their older children to pull away from them. Even if they know that they have nowhere left to go because they have isolated themselves either by choice or by behavior. It is tough to hear even when we know it is just a disease talking.

The second is actually harder because we have been thrown into protection mode. We are still thinking this might be our chance to get off the coaster but it is a bit further back in our minds. Protective as we are of them, we are also realizing that our families would understand. Our kids wouldn't have to tiptoe based around a mood. We wouldn't feel like failures in some way every day of our lives. The hurtful statements have been made but with less venom. The threats have been made but with less conviction. And the realization that we are all they have that they know they can count on is alive and kicking in both our spouse and ourselves. We feel responsibility to them even knowing that they want out. We feel fear for them because will they make it if they leave. Who will take care of them like we do? Who will make them accountable like we do? Who will love them like we do? Please God don't let it hurt too much this time.

So what do we do with what we know? Most of the time nothing. We hang on knowing that the only part of this life we can count on is that it will change and we will cycle out of the extreme once more. I kind of picture myself in the tough times as having fallen out of the roller coaster and I am hanging on for dear life but flapping in the wind. All I want is to get back into the cart, safe in what I know even if it terrifies me at times. But I know that if I lose my grasp I will fall to the flat ground. It will hurt because it was a hard fall but I will pick myself up. It will be in that moment that I pick myself up that I have to decide if I get back in line for the roller coaster or if I walk right out of the park. The variable in this scenario is always my husband. I have to remember that he works very hard to steer our coaster. He takes his meds daily, he goes to the doctor and therapy regularly. If it weren't for his efforts my choice would be much easier.

"I want a divorce" they were not my words, but his and no amount of "Please God don't let it hurt so much this time' was able to protect me from what hearing and seeing these words and the pain that they caused.