Head Above Water

Life has challenges for everyone. Financial, relational, boredom, busyness, clutter, the list goes on and on but the question is what do we do with each challenge as it arises. For me that depends on where I am in the cycle. No, I am not bi polar but I choose to be within arms length of the roller coaster which means sometimes, I will be forced to ride it and sometimes I will be able to just watch. How well I handle any challenge seems to be defined by how tired I am in that given moment.

When I see certain parts of the cycle emerging I will automatically utter a prayer of "God please don't let it hurt too bad this time". This covers any and all topics and God is good, He knows that. The fact is that this prayer works in different ways for me. Sometimes it allows me to step back and just go into protection mode, sometimes it has me hands on with a sternness that is not my typical nature. Sometimes I go through the full cycle and have to hear and feel the hurt but I am able to forget the details relatively quickly.

Boredom is not an affliction of mine. I am by nature a homebody and lucky enough to have three of my six kids living here with me, one with her family in an in law apartment. So the pandemic and all of the changes it has created has not been overly detrimental to my mental health. Work, house, yard and family duties come first, then books, puzzles, tv, social media, bonfires, game nights, wine tastings, looking to open a second business and walking my dog make for a very full life. My husband on the other hand experiences the exact opposite. Three of the kids living with us gives him a sense of feeling neglected, he has no hobbies, doesn't enjoy playing indoor or outdoor games and rarely sees what needs to be done around the house that he can do himself. There are times he can barely get out of bed and when he does there is a vibe that he emits that can create the entire mood of the house to change. He walks around or sits around bored even though there is so much to do to complete the projects that were started a few months ago. Sometimes, in the right moments I can help by writing a short to do list for him and sometimes I have to just let him rest. I have learned not to do either too many days in a row because it can exacerbate the depression so I try to gauge it and find things for him to look forward to, or at least give thought to.

When work is stressful I am less patient. Less patient with the anxiety, the depression, the lack of seeing what needs to be done, the lack of his ability to see what his irritability does to those he loves. It is then that I really have to keep my head up because the feeling of hopelessness seems much more transmissible that the feeling of joy and excitement for him. So how do I keep my head above water when I am trying to keep him from drowning?

1.) Therapy with a therapist that I trust to keep my marriage together. Many others counseled me to leave with no ill intentions, only because their job was to give me the ability to achieve my best stressless life. My therapist is a Christian therapist who believes in the three acceptable reasons for divorce and in sickness and in health. He understands all that I have been through and all that I will continue to go through and yet shows respect to my husband and my vows.

2.) Time alone I am an introvert so the only way for me to gather strength is to find time for myself. Sometimes this is a long drive playing music and sometimes it is a bathroom with a locked door. Either way, it is a necessity.

3.) Hyper focusing. This can be on a new project, cleaning the house or a to do list a mile long. Anything as long as it takes up time and has a visual result at the end. I have to be able to see progress so I don't get lost in the idea that it is all for nothing.

4.) Doing something for myself. I am not a salon or spa type of woman but a long dinner or visit to the winery with my best friend of 36 years can bring back a bit of the youth that has been gone for awhile.

5.) Last and what should always be first I spend time in prayer. Sometimes a calm reading, sometimes binge watching services and sometimes on my knees in tears but I find when I refocus and give it back to God, He always provides me with a renewed sense of direction and calm.