Contentment in the Anxiety

When I think back to the first days of Covid I don't remember much fear. Confusion was the first strong feeling that I remember. Should I be ashamed that my first thought was not of my family but of my business? Probably a bit, but only because they were issuing instructions for the families but my service based business, which as a cleaning business should have been front line, was being left hung out to dry and fend for ourselves. Thinking back, my daughter and I immediately began gathering non perishables for our family so it wasn't like I was not providing for them, it was just at the time I was the sole provider. I had to think of it all including how would we survive if my business was mandated to shut down.

My husband was on a trip with his cousin, one I was not sure he was going to come back from. His cousin is his best friend and a good man, but none of his family was completely aware of the severity of his condition. Couple that with the fact that the second half of the trip was on a motorcycle, which my husband hadn't driven in about 15 years and he had barely began to function again after a very long anxious cycle, in my mind we had a recipe for disaster. While I am happy to say that my husband did very well on the trip, he and his cousin were completely unaware that life was shutting down back here at home. I didn't elaborate too much because I did not want to trigger his anxiety so far away. So we just joined the many other in our area in preparing to shut down and make sure that we had all the necessities that we may need for a couple of weeks.

It became real to him when the annual event that had been the basis of this trip was found to be closed upon their arrival. Now he started asking questions but I do not think he realized the full effect of what I was telling him. He later told me that he thought I was exaggerating and over reacting but what I remember most was that for the first time in a few years, he did not go into shut down. He stepped up and began to take charge of protecting and providing for his family.

In the following weeks the business did have to shut down, not by being mandated but because we could not get the proper protective gear for our employees. As God always does He provided in abundance. The three year fight for my husband to receive disability finally came through in our favor including the back pay. Our employees, including my daughter and myself, became eligible for unemployment with stimulus and provided us with a higher weekly income than when we did work. While this would become a huge problem for the business in years to come, it was a blessing in the moment.

Once I accepted the fact that my business had no option but to close, my daughter and I took the necessary steps to wrap things up to the best of our ability and then...now what? The business had kept me so grounded during our roller coaster, I was not sure what to do with myself until all of a sudden I did.

Our world was full of uncertainty and the news became a regular program in our living room, keeping us informed of what was closing next and what rules we had to follow. We would turn it off when the numbers got too grim and marvel at what the government deemed "essential". It became real as people we knew started losing loved ones and the fear that could take hold when we thought too much about it could have easily paralyzed us, but thanking God we had each other, we began to make the best of the situation that was changing the world as we knew it.

I have never been one to get bored. Puzzles, books and writing had always been outlets for me. We laughed at the fact that just our immediate family broke the 10 person to a gathering rule. It was not lost on us that we were very fortunate to have each other. Not used to the freedom during the day, I spent as much time in our yard as I could. Neighbors started waving at each other and yards had not looked this good in years, when times were simpler. And what I realized was my husband was coming back to me. We did household projects together and took our grandchildren for walks in the evening and went for solo walks in the morning. There were certainly times when being cooped up got the better of him and he would need to retreat. He didn't like the games that the rest of us did so he would head up to our room for some quiet. But for the first time in two years, he was rejoining the family and being an active part in the daily needs.

The anxiety that I had begun to struggle with two years before was slowly settling into contentment. Introverted as I am, I was just fine not having to go out into the public. The anxiousness had created me to avoid people as much as possible. I just could not summon the energy to interact. The stay at home order was a blessing to me. No small talk, no needing to duck down an aisle because I saw someone and couldn't handle a conversation , no having to pretend everything was okay when it felt so far from the truth. And most of all, no having to answer questions.

When the disability came through, my husband became so much more like the best part of himself. It was so obvious that he felt whole again and had regained some of his pride. It showed in his walk, in the way he carried himself and even in his speech. I prayed that this would hold through his cycle seasons, especially since we were still navigating what was really a new and restricted world for us. Even so, with the lessened stress of not running a business day to day, being outside so much more that normal and the enjoyment that was genuine with my family, I relaxed.

I do not mean to disqualify the severity of the situation for our country. Loved ones were lost. Fear and questioning either of the virus, of the government and of the future was real. But for just a little while I was able to slow down and enjoy my home and remember that this is what life is supposed to be like.