A Family Diagnosis

Bi polar is a serious family diagnosis. It creates altered lives and requires people around it to be understanding, strong and accepting. It requires the one that is ill to have a support system that is able to recognize what triggers an episode and how to best intervene to keep our loved ones safe. Safe from being a danger to themselves and others, and safe from the ramifications of an episode creating their lives to alter permanently in ways that their healthy self would not want. It requires us, as their spouse and close family to have a support system around us that helps when we get tired or scared and when the PTSD becomes too much. It requires us to have a safety net when the judgement that comes our way is too much. Often the judgement comes from those that don't understand the disease or are often ill themselves. What those that judge us don't realize is that we don't need them to be hard on us. We are hard enough on ourselves . We feel the guilt every single day. The guilt of not being able to love our spouse enough to save them from this life. The guilt of not being able to protect our children from the hell they go through, always wondering why they are targeted or someone they love is targeted. Even when the diagnosed person tries every day in so many ways like my husband does, the most dangerous thing to his stability is someone that he trusts who has their own agenda. I just want to ask her, when you finally get what you want and sever him from us, what exactly do you think will happen to him after? He had this illness long before he met me and he will have it if you succeed in taking him from me. So be prepared to learn a lot very very quickly because he could hurt himself and so many others will suffer.

He has an illness. The episodes will continue to occur on some level for the rest of our lives. Somewhere along the way, I came to terms with this knowledge and chose to honor my vows rather than run even with all that says I should. The only way to do this is to have that strong support system. This is not a group of people that will just take sides and justify the negative feelings that he or I experience in the midst of the chaos. This is a group of people that love him enough to stablize him and help keep him, and the rest of the family, safe during the episodes. It is a select few that love me enough to reach out and remind me that I am not alone through the pain. I uttered the words "I'm Done" this time in the midst of the tirade. Every episode brings the "I'm done" feeling faster. I don't want to be done with him or with us, but I definitely am done trusting others to have our backs. I am done asking why. I am done hoping. Most of all, I am done making excuses for people. If you don't want to be part of my world, I will not beg. Actions speak so much louder than words and doing nothing is an action.

He is protecting himself more. He is protecting us more but she (his sister) still tries to manipulate and trigger him. I would prefer to say back to it, but that would indicate that she kept her word even through one episode. She did not. When given the first chance to be a productive part of the plan, she asked him three questions. Was he drinking, gambling or cheating on me? When he stated no, he had not done any of these options, she determined that his outburst was not bi polar and she was justified in her deviation of working together and following the plan. When we spoke a few months back after it became clear to her that my husband, like myself, chooses his marriage and his health in his wellness, she agreed to become part of the plan or lose access to her brother. Through the conversation, she became dramatic, raising her voice at times to state that if she was guilty of loving him too much than so be it. With her knowledge of his presence my husband was a part of the conversation and continued to derail her every excuse as it was given. My participation leaned more toward the damage that she does by actively trying to turn him on his environment and family as well as, the 2018 accusation which changed both how I do things for my husband in our marriage, and changed me from the inside out. Together we let her know that her interrogations of what our kids are doing or not doing, the active attempts to get him angry with people and the unfair way that she treats my biological children after all of these years are why he was not taking her calls for the most part. We left out more of the 15 years of problems than we brought up, but at the end of it, I genuinely was willing to try to have a level of a relationship again, albeit distant until trust was earned. I never got that chance. I, again dread every phone call or text that I see or hear come through. The hurt is beginning to outweigh the anger and but the fear will continue because my husband is working so hard against being manipulated but can only be successful in a state of health. He is not ready to completely let go. He will again try to live life separately and see this part of his family sparingly, by himself so as to respect the distance that I need to keep from them. We still see certain members of his family frequently as they have always treated me and my children as part of them. They see the difference in my husband and know it is a team effort. They know that I stood by him when so many others didn't. I continued to advocate and push for him, knowing how good his heart is despite this horrible illness. Here is the issue, the way we have done things gives his sister exactly what she wanted. She hand picks which members of the family deserve her time and attention and ignores the rest. This gives her free rein for her mind games and allows her to feel like what she does is fine because she gets to deal with who she wants by himself. He is more vulnerable and she so nicely goes into her divide and conquer tactics. The anxiety it causes when I see or hear the calls coming through is worse than it was before. Spouses of bi polar people already deal with so much anxiety over what we can't control in our own lives because of an illness that added anxiety can feel like too much. My husband and I work so hard, I am so resentful that anyone would intentionally not respect our efforts

The reality is that the family of a loved one with bi polar lives a life of sacrifices. From self confidence to stability, their lives often feel out of their own control. We don't understand how they do not notice that with a look, a tone or careless words they can change the mood of an entire room...or clear it completely. We don't understand how a fantastic day can turn so suddenly. We don't understand how we can plan ahead or relax. What we do understand is that our loved one is more at risk than we are at any given time and we live in a state of protecting. Ourselves, each other and most of all our bi polar loved one.